Hillbilly humor

[MrDave]

Having grown up on the edge of no where, we used to get all sorts of strange occurances. After talking with my Dad last night, figured I should share some of our adventures.

It was the late 70's, mid summer. My uncle was visiting from Vancouver.
We were out in the yard when a van pulls in the driveway. University of Alberta stickers on the side. Well, we usually only got a variety of bible thumpers trying to save us show up, so this van made us instantly curious.
 The doors ope, and out gets a handful of students. The driver proceeds with telling us why they are there. Seems the weekend farmer across the road had called the university. He had pumped something from his pump jack water well. It looked like part of a fish.
"Ever hear anything about that?" Was the stupidist thing he could have asked.
 Dad instantly dead pans him, "we pump them out all the time." We would bring home Northern Suckers to put in the stock trough to keep it clean.
 These student's mouths drop and fame sparkled in their eyes. They were on the track to becoming famous.
 We took these people around the pump house and show them dozens of suckers swimming around. From a couple of inches long to a foot.
 Pens scribble and cameras flash. Uncle Hank and I had to walk away. It took a few moments to regain our composure before we walked back.
 They took water samples and pictures of the well. By the time they left, we were all ready to burst.

Poor bastards. Wonder how bad their lives got after this. Imagine what their professors had to say. Often think of them. Lots of times we still laugh at them. Not sure how they thought those fish fit through the screen on the bottom of the suction pipe, guess thinking wasn't something they were good at.

[Walleyes]

Lol,, pretty good one Dave.

[Walleyes]

Now that my father is passed on he cant be arrested for this but I will share a story. For those that don't understand what life was like in some of the remote areas of northern Alberta 40+years ago this story may not be for you.

We as well lived quite a ways out of the way,, 30 miles to the closet town which at that time wasn't much,, we were bush people not farmers we lived in a sawmill yard as my father was a logger. Every spring during the spawn we would head down to the creeks for some spring pike snaring, and father would bring his .22 with him. He wouldn't shoot the fish directly but shoot beside them and the shock wave would stun them and we would scoop them up and put them in a sack. We were down at one of the creeks one day and Dad had just popped a couple pike and they were doing the floppy in water, just after he popped them we heard a truck coming down the trail. No biggy Dad just stood there with his gun. Up pulled the local C.O. Of course they knew each other as all people did in small towns in those days. So the C.O. comes up to Dad and says hey Nick,, what are you doing. Well,, my Dad says I am just standing here looking at those fish,, something is wrong with them,, they are just floating around on there backs spinning in circles I think something is wrong with them. Well I'll be darned says the C.O. I never saw that before. He sent my brother and I in the water to grab them up and he took them in for testing to see what was wrong with them fish. He was quite concerned about it.

Yup different days those were,, peaceful days in the woods then.

[Sonny]

Hey Walleyes that's kinda weird because when we were kids back in the 60's we had pike in our creek that swam just like you said..On their backs and going around in slow circles.
Ofcoures my older brother always stood guard with his .22 just to keep predators away...*cough cough*

[MrDave]

Isn't that a sign of whirling disease? Lol used to be quite common. My dad told us of that happening in the creeks and lakes where he grew up. Must have been something to do with the poverty in the rural areas.
 
We used to put pike into the water trough to cool the meat down in the summer months. Use the cold water to firm up the flesh. Eventually it back fired. My brother went out to get his catch to clean it for supper. Man he was pissed when he found his five pound pike missing. Our one barn cat had no fear of water. He had grabbed another meal from the trough. Figured if those suckers swimming around were good to eat, that big fish would make a good meal.
 Poor cat had to hide for weeks after that. My brother threw everything at him, trying to get revenge.
Always enjoyed that cat's determination. He would be in there wading in water up to his ears trying to catch a meal. Cows would come in for water and the cat would be waiting for his turn at the trough.

[MrDave]

Spring has come. Mama bear has poked her head out to see if it is safe to bring her cub out.
 Junior crawls out and squints into the sun. Mama looks at him and sees her boy is a skinny wreck. His eyes are sunken in, and he's just skin and bones. He looks exhausted.
 "Junior, what's happened to you? Didn't you hibernate all winter like I told you?"
 Poor little fellow looks at her, shaking and wobbling on his feet. "Hibernate? I thought you said masterbate....."

[Sonny]

 

[Weste]

Not hillbilly humour but it made me laugh.

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded, dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Delta," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Delta?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are rude, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at the downtown International Marriott."

"That dump! That's the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the barber. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

"It was wonderful," explained the man, "not only were we on time in one of Delta's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel - it was great! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it's the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the barber, "I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke to me."

"Really?" asked the Barber. "What'd he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get the lousy haircut?'"

[Sonny]

^^^^ groan...lol

How about the first Mountain Dew commercial?

Yup that's hillbilly humour.

[Walleyes]

Lol,, pretty good one weste.

[Sonny]

Is there such a thing as a newfie hillbilly?

  A road crew supervisor in Saskatchewan hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Prince Albert. He was skeptical about hiring him since he didn't have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie- Jane, told him so.


           He explained to Herb,  that his work day would be to complete
2 miles of centre line on the road.

           He was  set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him  started.

           After  the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he'd painted
4 miles  of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him.

          He  told Herb,  that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was
with his  progress.

            On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles
of road that was asked of him.
           His  supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed
twice as  much work. But he didn't say anything, since 2 miles of road was
the amount  that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it,
and to look  forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick
up the pace  again.
            On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in
his 8 hour  shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road.  Herb  was
called to  the supervisor's office and asked what was the  problem.
            "On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your
second day, 2 miles  of road, and now on day 3, you were only
able to complete 1 mile of road.  What's the problem,  Herb?"
           "Well," Herb replied, "I'll tell you watt is da problem dare
boy, but I taught  a smart man like you would figger it out
fer  yourself.
             Every  day I got farder and farder away from da paint  can."

[Walleyes]

Lol,, right on Sonny..

[MrDave]

Three hillbillies, from the west country, were broke. Couldn't pay for a beer between them.
 They decided the only option left, besides getting a job, was to apply for welfare. Off they go to apply.
First one gets called in for his interview.  The lady is doubtful about him needing support, but she can only try to weed them out. She digs into her bunch of trick questions, trying to make sure he deserves the help.
" I want you to use the word great in a sentence. "
He thinks real hard on this, and is having obvious issues. Finally he speaks," I got a leather jacket and really like it great."
She's only slightly surprised. "Good enough, you will get a check right away."
 He goes out and tells his buddies how easy it was and what she was going to ask.
The second hillbilly gets called in, and eventually is asked the same question. Of course he's not smart enough to change his answer.
She tells him he will get his benefit check. Now she knows what's up. She will surprise the last one.
He gets comfortable, thinking he has it in the bag.
She gets to the questions, "I want you to use the word fascinate in a sentence."
He's stunned, absolutely in trouble now. He thinks, and thinks. Finally,"I got a leather jacket and really like it great. Its got ten buttons, but I only fasten eight."
Yup he gets a check...

[Walleyes]

Fred was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Fred's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Fred's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

Fred was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Local Farm Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.  Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

[weeman]

funny thread..

[MrDave]

Was waiting on the rest of the rooster joke, but I guess no one else heard what happened to him later in life.

As we all know performance slips as we all get older, as well as the mind.
 This poor rooster gets to the point where he can't sneak up on the hens any longer. He's getting desperate. He is trying every trick he can find as he starts going senile.
 One day a rabbit is hopping through the barn yard. He's approaching the rooster, and hears the old bird talking to himself.
Around in circles saying, "I'm a pig, I'm a pig" repeatedly.
Rabbit hops up to him and starts to talk to the rooster.
"Your not a pig. You have feathers, a beek , and look at those feet. You are a rooster, get it together."
 Rooster turns around, and looks the rabbit up and down.
All of a sudden, the rooster jumps on the rabbit and rapes the poor critter, fur flying everywhere.
Rooster gets finished, and struts away. As he's going across the barn yard, he's still saying...

I'm a pig, I'm a pig, I'm a pig,...

Part 3 to come later. Running out of break time.

[Walleyes]

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
    When you are over seventy who gives a shit
***********
Some asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
    When you are over seventy who gives a shit?
***********
I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.  She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
    When you are over seventy who gives a shit?
***********
I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
    When you are over seventy who gives a shit?
***********
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
    When you are over seventy who gives a shit?
***********
I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Great legs."
The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so."
I said, "Definitely!  Most tables would have collapsed by now.!!
      When you are over seventy who gives a shit?